JoBeth!
By BJ Hiorns and Joey Hetzel
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Stupidity Should be Painful...but Unfortunately, it's Not
Interview with JoBeth

conducted by Pat "Help Me" Rothfuss
with additional reporting by BJ Hiorns

I recently had the opportunity to sit down with the sweetheart of the comics page, JoBeth. She's been called "the epitome of stupidity" and "everybody else's girl," but I wanted to dig deeper into what makes this girl tick. The deeper I dug, the more I found out that with JoBeth, there is no "deeper" and nothing really ticks.

Pat Rothfuss: So JoBeth. Thanks for coming out to the Pointer office today.

JoBeth: [giggles] You're like, cute in a fuzzy kinda way.

PR: Thanks. Anyway, um, just out of personal curiosity--

JB: Oh, they're totally real.

PR: Er. That's good to know. But I was going to ask what your last name is.

JB: Oops! My bad! [giggles] Let's see....ummmm....I really don't know. But my maiden name is JoBeth.

PR: Okay... Any siblings? Your parents?

JB: My parents are totally cool! They kept my room absolutely the same as it was before I still lived with them!

PR: And your siblings?

JB: Oh, that cleared up.

PR: And your current boyfriend--

JB: Davey? He's soooo into me, it's like, wow!

PR: Last I heard he tried to drop a piano on you.

JB: Isn't that cool? Nobody's ever done that to me before! And like, I know he's kinda bashful n'stuff, but that's just the way he is. Can I say hi to him? Is he gonna read this?

PR: Probably not.

JB: [waving at my tape recorder] Hiiiiiii Danny!

PR: Has fame gone to your head?

JB: No, silly! But I got hit in the head with a vollyball once.

PR: That must've hurt.

JB: Huuuh?

PR: Getting hit in the head with a vollyball.

JB: Oh, you poor thing!

PR: Never mind. Well, I'm sure a lot of the people on campus want to know--

JB: [starting to lift her top] Okay!

PR: NO! NO NO!! I just want to know what it's like, having your own comic strip.

JB: Oh! Oopsie! [giggles] Well it's totally bitchin'! I like, drive to the studio in my car--have you seen my car?!

PR: Uh, no--

JB: You've totally gotta see my car! Come on!

[She drags me outside to look at her Jeep Wrangler. It's white, with unfortunate pinstriping. She's named it "Car" because she can't remember any of the other names she's given it. After weaseling my way out of an extensive tour of her back seat, we return to the Pointer office]

JB: Well, if you ever need a ride, you can totally use me!

PR: I don't think Sarah would like that. Ahem. So about the creation of your comic strip...

JB: Oh yeah! [giggles] I drive to the studio in my car--have you seen my car?!

PR: Yes.

JB: And then they have me hold stuff or pose and like I really use all my acting skill and then they sit down and they draw me and they tell me not to scratch my nose and they draw some more and they tell me to stop looking out the window and they draw some more and then I hafta pee, and then they draw some more--

PR: Which is why it's only a weekly comic strip.

JB: Fer sher! [giggles] But they're all really sweet and we have so much fun!

PR: So who comes up with the joke each week?

JB: Huuuuh?

PR: Who writes your dialogue every week?

JB: Oh I hate cell phones.

PR: Who.....writes....what you say?

JB: Oh, I just say stuff, y'know? [Creators] BJ [Hiorns] and Joey [Hetzel] usually write lots of stuff when I'm modeling, and I just talk to them and they keep writing and laughing and pointing at me and stuff. It's way neat!

PR: Great. Look, could you do me a favor?

JB: [starting to lift her top] Okay!

PR: NO! NO NO! I just want to ask you what colour your eyes are.

JB: Huuuuuh?

PR: Your eyes. They're always closed.

JB: They are?

PR: Could you open them for me?

JB: They're not open?

PR: What colour are your eyes?

JB: [giggles] I dunno.

PR: Please open your eyes.

JB: Huuuuuh?

PR: Would you just open your stupid eyes, you dumb, blonde, useless--!!

[At this point there is a scuffle, during which the tape recorder is knocked off the table and unplugged. The remainder of the interview, after Mr. Rothfuss is carried away, is conducted by Benny, his sock monkey.]

Benny: .......

JoBeth: You're like, cute in a fuzzy kinda way.

B: ........

JB: [starting to lift her top] Okay!

B: ........! .........!!

[Pat Rothfuss is currently confined to the Bennett Institute for the Mentally Infirm, where he takes part in important studies researching the effects of prolonged exposure to extreme stupidity. He periodically expresses feelings of betrayal at the hands of Benny, who refuses to return telephone calls placed to what he has dubbed his "Bouncin' Touncin' Rompin' Stompin' Love Hive."]